Many years ago I became aware of a habit to rush and tell others of the smallest accomplishment, even if just a great idea. On the outside, I used this tendency to teach others what I was learning, a great coaching technique because it kept my material fresh. On the inside, I was really a little kid desperate for attention and approval. More than anything, I wanted to be heard.
The problem with this imbalance is that my outer self accomplished a great deal, every day gaining knowledge and stature. All the while brutalizing my inner, needy kid pleading to be heard. I ignored him, silenced him, kicked him to the curb when he got out of control. Stood by and watched him get in trouble as if we weren’t related.
Finally, I had to step in, sit these two down and propose some changes. First of all, the little kid desperate to be heard would no longer be ignored. My accomplished guy was upset. He saw no point in entertaining any form of insecurity. He wanted to press forward, teaching everything he learned along the way. I pointed out that, essentially, he was then teaching others to strengthen a split personality and to brutalize the inner, needy one.
The inner, needy kid was, well, a kid. Five to eight years of age, clutching scrawled ideas on a paper, rushing to the mommy to be heard and to receive approval, except there was no mommy since by now I’m a senior citizen. I had to convince the outer self that when he felt the rushing urge to share his ideas with others, to instruct, tell or teach, he had to hold off and do nothing more than write stories. Listen to his experience and expertise emerge through memoir and characters. Give up needing to be recognized, important. Just be enough.
He struggled with immense loneliness, felt tragically unheard and unloved, even though he was well accomplished, which only comes about from being heard. I reassured him he is ready to settle down, focus on allowing his knowledge and experience to pour out through his characters. I reminded him that, as a writer, he will be spending less and less time trying to be heard and every time he feels the urge to reach out and excitedly share, he will hang out at the moment and feel the urge without taking action.
Since the outer, accomplished guy and the inner needy kid are both parts of me, it is my ultimate responsibility to know what I know as enough. I don’t need to chase after attention or reassurance. I know what I have experienced. I’ve done the work. It’s time to step back, provide the space for my characters to come alive, to be real people, to be heard.
