Pardoning Father and Grandfather

Cap Kotz
3 min readDec 28, 2020

At a young age, I declared Self-awareness as my primary goal in life. My field of expertise has been Interrupting Family Legacy. Since I was downloaded as a child with in-depth trauma-informed patterning, it was a good choice for me to make.

In my young adult years, I focused on getting in shape, playing sports, and writing. I was a regular at a local university rec center, lifting weights, swimming, heavy bag training, and sweating out my toxins. I played and coached soccer and sparred with random people. Most importantly, this was a creative time for me. I wrote musicals, short fiction, and journalistic pieces. I supported myself by working as a house painter. The accumulation of all the activity in this era formed a strong platform for my unfolding self aware expertise journey.

Entering my adult years, I was hit hard by surfacing memories of trauma-informed patterning I experienced as a child. I began a slow descent into the deeper, darker regions of trauma-informed patterning. First, I had to adjust to feeling fear, something I had never considered myself susceptible to, and my writing dried up due to a lack of emotional honesty. I wanted to find my way back to the creative process, but the unfolding path became more urgent, and I had to channel my creative insights into structuring a sports based organization. I named the process Live A Boxer’s Lifestyle, and got down to the nuts and bolts of filling in the details and shaping the steps to follow. Building from the inside out, I founded a boxing training practice, opened a gym, and continued along the self-awareness path toward the core of family legacy release.

My middle years were messy, a chaotic jumble of tangled emotional impulse. I took a trek after trek into the inner world of hurt. Old hurts that have been long suppressed manifest as illness or injury in the body. Over time these manifestations become chronic holding patterns. Technically, there is no way around the family legacy release. One has to go to the heart of feeling emotional repression before the old habits can be released, and let go.

There were always other experts to exchange notes along the way, and there were unbearable times of isolation, loneliness, and despair. I never fully got comfortable with those treks, though I have learned to handle them better. Slowly, step by step, I carved out the darkest corners I could find to unlock, scrub, and clear of family legacy gunk. One of the experts I conferred with reminded me to keep an eye out for the release chamber portals. “You think you’ve seen it all,” they said, “But these portals can only be accessed when you choose not to give in to social pressure to identify as a bad person. You will need to claim achievement rewards for all of your actions. That’s when true release happens.”

Not long after, I happened on one of these portals. I could tell it was a different kind of door than I was used to. The locking mechanism was more complicated and the vibe was intimidating. Nonetheless, I used my expertise to open it, and managed to anchor and weather an extreme storm of negativity and self-loathing. Once the storm cleared and I got a chance to look around, I saw remnants of my father and grandfather’s legacy crumpled on the floor like an old pile of clothes. I knelt down and laid my hand on the garments. My father and his father had passed old family secrets on to me, the likes of which I knew well, and I could only imagine their pain and suffering. I was relieved to finally scrub the residue.

When I wrote up my notes, a discipline I have followed since my journalistic days, I elaborated on the story. I visualized appealing to a higher-up judgment court for a past transgression pardon. It was granted and I attended a ceremony in which my father’s emotional stunted legacy was stripped from the left side of my body and my grandfathers’ stunted legacy was stripped from the right side of my body. They were fully pardoned and I am now free to get to know myself better, instead of running the perpetual Feel Bad Binging Wheel.



Cap Kotz

Writer and Story Mapping Guide, I follow the life path no matter how challenging.