Member-only story
In the story mapping metaverse, the force known as Past Pull is frequently depicted as swirling redness that can be fierce and overwhelming or soft like sunshine. Its vortex energy combines my past with family legacy and intergenerational and cultural beliefs. Long ago, when I committed myself to a self-awareness lifestyle, I thought my past was something I could escape. At nineteen, I moved across the country, ready to find out who I was and what I wanted. I didn't realize Past Pull relished in a more extensive playing field than the confines of the family environment allowed. He was in the driver's seat, though I thought my real life had finally begun.
My youthful writing primarily appeared in journal form, but in my twenties, fancying myself a bit of a Fitzgerald, I crafted passion and insight and read it aloud. I craved the rapt attention of the audience and the power of theatrical expression. Still not understanding, the more I convinced myself I was loved and cherished by the audience, the more I developed an addiction to performance. Past Pull encouraged sustained abandonment of my inner kid, knowing full well that at some point I would crack, and his influence would be in charge again, only more fiercely treacherous than ever before.
When I did crack, I entered a crisis zone where I met Fearful Guy, a persona I didn't know existed. By then, I had come to terms with Defensive Guy and Angry Guy learned better control in the boxing gym, but fear is weak, and I wanted no part of it. Past Pull hacked my suppression cover by then, and I could…
