Nearly fifty years now that I have longed for and begged to leave this physical plane to join those who have gone before me. Somewhere along the way, I learned that the name for what I endured is suicidal ideation. On the one hand, I was relieved to understand I could let go guilt about never following up on my feeble suicidal attempts because they were ideation at the core. This means I conjured mantras of wanting to die, I lay in the pool of my visualization, as the only way I knew to do for comfort when I trekked into unbearable depths of my own hidden wounds. On the other hand, I felt condemned to a never-ending path of dark treks that no one cared about.
And, life unfolds. As we all know. Now, 2020, we are engaged in a pandemic. People are dying. There are many moments and prolonged episodes of point & blame. I am well aware of the point & blame tactic, I learned a lot about that when the higher-ups sent me out into the field to learn more about this phenomena. Of course for no pay, meaning no credentials. After each trek, I unloaded my notes, received a tap on the back, and was left on my own to figure out how to convert my notes into revenue. Yeah, we all know how that goes.
Then the pandemic happened. First off, I recognize many ways I was well prepared for the lockdown regimen. I spent many, many years and months clearing various attachments, primarily attachment to old perceptions of the discerning line between life and death. And, suddenly, I am in a world where many are dying. Not just the people who trek deep into the dark catacombs, who take their own lives there, who have not been awarded the honor for their knowledge, but all of us. Why? Because we are but part of nature, the human form is part of cancer affecting the universe.
Now I hear that the global quarrel is whether or not we embrace our death. Shall we choose economic health or the death of the masses? I say we ask all of us to embrace our death. Whether actual death from this plane happens or not, we will at least contribute to releasing fear and anxiety It has come time to grieve and let go.
