A plague settled over the land. People were unsure of what to do as they found themselves infected with a daily desire to note their achievements. This had never happened before, a rapid influx of achievement and self-respect flagrantly claiming individuals, spreading through communities and across the nation. One community became so alarmed that they sought to hire the nefarious team, Sneakers & Snarky, to combat the scourge.
Sneakers & Snarky, a mercenary team, hired out to do all kinds of shadowy work. Sneakers, a stealth and sabotage expert, was a thin, stoop-shouldered man with a mustache. Snarky, a self-esteem destroyer expert, was rounder and sarcasm was his middle name. They had a small, cramped office on the outskirts of town where street lights frequently stayed broken for long periods of time. The concerned community leader and his second in command made the journey to the outskirts and knocked on the S & S Inc front door.
“Come in!” they were told. They nervously entered a space crammed with piles of paper, and the community leader introduced himself and his colleague. Snarky introduced himself, tilting back in his chair, propping his converse clad feet on the desk. “What can I do you for?”
The community leader explained the situation and pleaded with Snarky to help them relieve the unbearable achievement load they were not prepared to endure. “Can you find the source and shut it down?”
Snarky frowned, put his right hand behind his neck and stretched out his pec line.
“Gonna cost ya,” he admitted, slamming both feet to the floor, leaning across the desk with alarming speed. When the community leader and his colleague didn’t protest, he nodded, satisfied with the outcome. He tapped on a pad of paper, saying, “Put down your name and contact info. Me and Sneakers will confer shortly and come up with a plan. We guarantee our services. We will get this monstrosity shut down.”
The community leader and colleague left high on giggles and relief.
Snarky sat and stared at the ceiling for many long moments, then burst from his chair and entered the tiny kitchen that was home base. Sneakers was stooped over a pot of soup, stirring.
“Got a new case,” Snarky announced, popping the fridge and removing a brown bottle of beer. He de-capped it, using the bottle opener screwed to the door jamb. “An achievement epidemic in a community a few towns over.”
Sneakers turned and held out a spoonful of soup. Snarky obliged, blowing on it, first, then carefully tasting the concoction. “Hmm,” he approved, lifting his eyebrows in appreciation. More often than not the soups he tasted were less than acceptable.
“I figure some anarchists found portals that pair the past with the future, and released a bunch of spirits that are whispering positive thoughts. You figure?” Sneakers bowed his head on its long stalk of a neck in consent. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Snarky said, drinking his beer, feeling confident. “First thing is to shut down the portals, then we have to find those suckers that opened them in the first place and,” Snarky drew a rounded forefinger across his throat with emphasis. Sneakers nodded his long neck and looked sorrowful.
The next day, Snarky and Sneakers headed out in search of the portals. Sneakers naturally took the lead, being the stealth and sabotage expert. He had a keen nose for and a vibrational sense of things unseen. He strode forward with whip-like strides, while Snarky dawdled along behind, looking for people to question. Between them they located two portals within the hour.
“Damn,” Snarky exclaimed, observing the extensive white light flow of good achievement flooding into the land, most of which was parched and deadened. He wasn’t much good at tactical maneuvers requiring physical exertion, but he was a master at manipulating others to do what he wanted. Within five minutes, he had a passerby convinced he was containing a toxic waste explosion. He was handy with tools and, motivated to save the world, soon had both portals under control. Then, bewildered, dissociating, he bumbled off down the path to find direction.
“OK,” Snarky said, dusting his palms one against the other. “Now for those luckless souls that opened them in the first place,” he crowed to the heavens, soliciting the favor of the gods.
S & S Inc found the hapless souls at the skatepark. There were three of them, gender unclear with long, flowing hair and fluid limbs. Sneakers had used his expertise in locating them, but Snarky drew back from applying his destroying self-esteem skills, unfamiliar with the power of strong grace. The youth whizzed by without pause, leaving electric vibration in their wake. Snarky turned to his colleague, Sneakers, and said, “I think we should bring out the big guns.”
Though mercenaries, they didn’t typically resort to big guns. They were so good at what they did, they didn’t need to. But, it was time to bring out big guns. Snarky suited up, then waved the three fluid moving youth in with a hand flourish that promised wealth and stardom. Sneakers fashioned a camera that he aimed at the youth as Snarky declared them fantastical. He layered on the praise with the intent of undermining their self-esteem in the near future. The youth, unaware, ate the bait and soon were enthralled with the notion of being stars, revered throughout all the land, and they forgot about the magical portals that gushed achievement and reminded people to appreciate instead of doubt.
